My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
What
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.