Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
going to the ER y’all need anything
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.