these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*