I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Swedish for common sense.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.