[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.