Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
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I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner