Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
You Might Also Like
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.