Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.