#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.