Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ve been drinking.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.