Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known