Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
What even happened today?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?