Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You Might Also Like
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Are we there yet?…
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…