I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt