Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
You Might Also Like
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.