You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.