All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The Weeknd is back
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”