The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
You Might Also Like
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Can. I. Help. You.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*