Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you