Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!