Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.