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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on