Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
😎 🍻
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room