mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,