6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.