3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
How wrong was this guy?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.