Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it