I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts