One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
#parenting
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Name this drama.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!