If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed