Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.