“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks