Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Sooo many times…..
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?