Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
what
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.