Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.