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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
is this how new cars are made??
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
socratic questions
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..