Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.