My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what