Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.