Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.