Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁