I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
im 7 sauces long
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.