At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?