I love snow
– People who never shovel
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂