Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
iPhone X
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Imagine having a party on purpose.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR