Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Trumpy Cat
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I created you as mosquito food.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”