I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
This raises questions
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.