At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.