I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Money is the root of all wealth
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk