Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Okay, I’m still confused…
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.